The Barret Files
by doughreyme
Summary: It all started with this guy named Barret.
1. Chapter 1

The Barret Files

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"Ahem."

"Ho hum..."

"How'd this begin?!"

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I was walking in my father's footsteps. He didn't give me much, but I got his suits. The man was a professional...thinker. He sure did contemplate my misery with orange juice. He knew I could blend.

So, anyhow, I found out, er, discovered, a very important lesson: They hate me, and I don't know why.

Now, you'd think it was from the ashes I always used to mascara myself, but no. I was a bit too fruity, for their...liking...

They called my brother "BROTHER HOOD", but I went to church! (Amen to that!) It turns out, I could fake being a missus all the time, and yet even HE didn't like me as well...

Anyhow, I just finished my doctorates at YELL University. They kicked me out, because all I did was ever shoot at the TV! I was LOUD! Boisterious! And BAD at...spelling class.

But, in my defense, I pleaded the sixth! I flunked law class when I realized it was the fifth...I think.

So, anyhow, you'd think my genius brother was a hotzie...Nah, he just liked Hot Pocket. But, here I'm walking around, in a daze, but BAM! I picked up an uzi, and realized it was a paintball gun! The guy I killed didn't come back from the dead! He just liked PLAYING dead! Oh, brilliant deductions, Sholmes!

But, enough about my violent past. Hey! I was dark! I should've realized this paint doesn't come off!

So, one day, I decided to find my brother (WITCH ONE?!) He had an arm extension too! I should've known he was a Star Wars fan!

So, we aim at each other, but...well, I lost my hand too! But, nah, the police sure liked aiming at me. And I wasn't even in the DARK!

Years pass, and I meet another brother (OH, BROTHER!) (No, not in that psychologically scarring sense!). And, he's more clueless than the rest! He named himself "Cloud", but I don't think he could spell it that well.

But, his wife was hot, so does that matter?!

But, nah, even I was in a daze! WHY, oh why was my blonde breathren so clueless to the women around him?!

Eh, that comes later, but let's turn back time to MY past!

(TO BE CONTINUED!)


	2. Hung Fool The Legend Begins

Part 2 (Or, as the French say, Part Deux...)

(Continuation - "Hung Fool, the Legend Begins...")

I was an oppulant fool. I go to a shelter, they kick me out. There were too many of me, so I got a job. The only problem was, I was working for my uncle...AT a shelter.

I was like, a walking talking Manna Demduff! But, I refused to drink, if you know what I mean... WTF happened to food stamps?! I should've known not to trade them for bumper stickers....

So, I found something brilliant out! They had shop class! I just didn't know what they meant until I entered it! Cars, cars, and more cars! I wanted some clothes, though.

I discovered how to look like a FLY honeybee/honeybo...bimbo? Male bimbo?! I didn't care (at that time).

All I had to do was RENT a car, but they didn't let me take their BENZ! I guess they were insecure of stuff...You know, bengayz...I mean, they DID let me learn how to manage these things...I guess they just treated me like a show-fur...But, I knew...the fur was for the honey GIRLS!

So, you'd think I'd go Aeris on their asses, but, nah, she figured me out! I mean, in my opinion even -I- knew she was a floozy. Or, very addicted to sesame seeds...Or something, but that comes later.

(AHEM).

So, I had a mother (WITCH ONE?)...but she was a bit...different. She actually KNEW how to cook, compared to the ones who professed themselves "HUNS". She hated waffles too.

Anyhow, this uncle fu...gucker of mine...He was sooooo cool! Everytime I tried to bum a cigarette from him, he beat my living crap hide! I liked him, until I realized he was bumming cigarettes from my mother! No wonder -his- breathe stunk!

Anyhow, I always wondered something...HOW Elizabethan was this Uncle FU...DU....Uncle of mine...? I mean, he sure loved that Monica song, "Angel of Mine". He was so.......different from that type, I guess.

In continuation, I will divulge how I met my first crush...I was in love, until I realized she likes oranges more.

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Okay. Let me calm down. There's a reason I had asthma attacks, and it wasn't only the pollution of Sector....9?

There she was.....the most BEAUTIFUL, HOT, EXPENSIVE-LOOKING...no, wait, that was my first car crush. I really wanted a Hyundai.

Ahem. There she was...tall...lanky...athletic...and dumb as a rock. OH, how I wanted to...jam with her.

Her problem was, she didn't like my type! No, she didn't see much, until she got married, but...she was a pure girl. In HER pride, she married 15 times, and STILL looked hot! I was baffled. I mean, how did she do it?! HOW did she always write her relatives out of his(es) wills?

Even I thought she was good at math, but man, did they divide...

But, c'mon, I'm not that gruesome, so let me describe her in a more accurate portrayal.

I met her in church. I was singing songs made by Nas about a Paradise crap.....No wonder I hated Dante's Inferno! The weather was so horribly cold in the summers...or was that the Spring?


End file.
